Today was a day to be present. I sat by the riverside watching my children cast lines in hopes of being the first to catch a fish. (We’re very competitive). In silence I sat, watching them and thinking to myself how much I love being their mom. How much I love them. How they taught me what love truly is. As one thought led to another, that love slowly turned into fear. It lead me down this anxiety filled rabbit hole. This isn’t easy for me to admit. I haven’t been afraid of much in my life. I jumped off the top of my swing set and broke my leg at 5yrs old. I flew to another state less than a week after 9-11. Hell, I went to a foreign country by myself. The amount of fear I have been feeling lately is new to me. Fear is the thief of so many things. It will steal your joy, your future, your present…. It will hold you back in ways you never thought possible. In living, in taking chances, in success, in love. I haven’t been able to be my authentic self due to this burden of fear I’ve been carrying with me. It is robbing me of my present. And I have to find a way to balance it.
I don’t want fear to take over my life. I want to live in joy.

I envision a cozy life. A life where I get to watch my children grow to be thriving adults. To see my grandchildren born and hopefully grow to be young adults. A relationship with a man who wont abandon me and sees me as my true self. Someone who truly gets me. Books stacked by an oversized chair on my back porch. On a parcel of land that has a river or creek running through it. I want to lay on the ground while the wind blows through the tall trees. Or cuddle in bed during a thunderstorm. The celebrations of holidays, birthdays, or just a dinner party with friends and family. Creating art. Adopting all the animals that need a home. Cooking. I want simple, clean, honest living. I’m not impressed by how much you spend on me. It’s how you love me that matters. I see this magical life I will lead. Sound too good to be true? Not at all. I’m writing my story.

I do not own the rights to this photo.

Someone once told me I could walk into a room naked and no one would notice. Words that resonate with you for life. I was brought up in a way that placed self doubt in my mind. Provided body insecurities instead of confidence. Every now and again I catch a glimpse of myself and fail to recognize the person staring back. I don’t feel the way that reflection looks. But it’s there. Staring back at me.
Or when a man comments on a woman’s body, I shut down. If he thinks of her that way then what does he think of me. And what made him so comfortable with telling me this?
I’ve been really hard on myself lately. But I’m also dealing with a lot of stress recently. My body isn’t budging. I’ve been stuck at the weight I am for a while now. The advice I get from men, starve yourself and do lots of cardio. Horrible advice to give. What frightens me is there is some other woman out there that will be desperate enough to take that advice. It’s harmful to speak to a woman like that. It’s hurtful when it comes from someone you thought cared about you.
I know I need to make changes. I’m overwhelmed with all need to find a way to relax. To control my cortisol levels. I feel as though I won’t ever reach my goal. But I know I have to. I’m all Rory and Grady have left.