As I look at the mountain of problems I’m facing I’m reminded to count my blessings. Pray for my enemies. And focus on what I can fix instead of getting overwhelmed by the big picture. Baby steps. I will overcome all of this.

I’m grateful for the people in my life. The ones who call. The ones who text. The ones who are here day to day. And the ones who keep me in their prayers. It’s been a rough year and it doesn’t seem to be letting up. Thank you for loving me through it.

The first day of the second half of the year. Today is full of endless possibilities. Whatever you are facing, you got this.

Dating…such a dirty word at this age. Finding someone to do life with this late in the game is very similar to pin the tail on the donkey. You go in blind and hope you win in the end. I have a tendency to choose the wrong men. I get through a few bad dates before I give up. The sea of fish has been reduced to a puddle. It’s not for the faint of heart. They say just be yourself. Not going to lie, I am awkward as f***. I laugh nervously. Start stories and forget where I was going with it mid sentence. Spout off some random fact my brain serves up. I’m weird. And I have a lot going on personally. I don’t mind it but finding someone who can put up with me has been a challenge. Next post we will talk about what I’m looking for.

2024 is the year of the dragon. My year. It was supposed to be my year. It started off pretty low key but took a traumatic turn before January ended. It’s taken some time, we are still picking up the pieces but it’s getting better. I had planned on starting this at the beginning of the year. However, it didn’t happen. SO… here I am. Starting a new chapter July 1st, 2024. I’m going to bring you along for the ride. For the first time ever I will include the commentary of my children. Because they are my life and deserve a say in this. It may or may not come with a pod cast attached to it where myself and my children will recap our thoughts on my dating journey. I might even let them pick who I do and do not go on a date with. And we may bring a few of the dates on the pod cast to recap their thoughts of the date. July is set up month. Set up pod cast equipment. Set up blog or decide to use one of the two I already own. Get signed up with dating sites. Scope out new places to meet people my age. Etc, etc, etc…

I’m excited to begin this new journey. And I’m excited my children are a part of it. Vita Nova!

Life is an ever evolving process of learning, growth, and improvement. I feel better after writing about everything. Holding things in only does more damage than good. Being empathetic can be a burden in itself. I feel things ten times more than the average person. The emotions are ten times amplified. And when someone hurts me, well… you guessed it. I don’t bounce back as quickly as I used to. It took me a few days but my confidence is slowly improving. Being emotional or showing emotion has this stigma to it for women. We have to be soft but not too soft that we look weak. And strong, but not too strong we emasculate the man. I can’t control other people. Not their emotions. Not their behavior. Not even their perception of me. It’s not my job. But I can control me.
I feel better after setting this free. I’m taking my energy back. Holding on to my joy. Tomorrow is going to be an amazing day and a beautiful start to the last half of 2024.

The amount a person can grow is proportional to the amount of truth they can accept about themselves. Let that settle in for a second.

The past twelve years have been dedicated to growth. To finding myself again. Overcoming generational traumas handed down to me. I have learned to pick and choose my battles. I remain calm. I work best under pressure. And I hope that I treat everyone with the same level of respect I want to be treated with. But perspective is everything. All that said, I’m still human. I make mistakes. I forget things. It’s why I make lists. And sometimes it doesn’t make it to my list. I’m not perfect. On Wednesday I committed to helping someone. Instead of reminding me of my commitment to help the next day, an overreaction to my forgetting led to a chain reaction of events. One being me crying in my office. Something so simple blew up so quickly. So out of proportion. If something that small turns into a workplace bombing, how big will the reaction be over something serious? And what will be the aftermath.

For the past three days I have been reflecting on every conversation. Every action. Every reaction. Every shared word. I have shed a lot of tears, lost a lot of sleep, and haven’t had much of an appetite. I feel sick to my stomach. Yet I’m still trying to figure out how I need to improve so this doesn’t happen again. Because that is what broken people do. We are constantly trying to mend things. After everything that has happened this year, work was my safe place. A place I could focus on things not related to my personal life. This week it just became another part of the battlefield.
It’s time to make a few life decisions. I’m scared. I’m hurt. I have no idea if I lost a friend in all of this or not. All I know is I don’t deserve to feel the way I do in my work environment.

I’m having a moment. Yesterday’s events triggered a deep rooted sense of abandonment. I feel unwanted. Undervalued. Lost in so many ways. I know it’s not true but that is what it triggered for me. And I haven’t been able to shake it. All I want to do is disappear. I’m strong. I’ll move past it but until then I have to work through these emotions.

God removes people from your life because he heard conversations you didn’t hear.

Dance. Giggle. Be extra. Smile big. Live large. Laugh hard. Be too much. Breathe deep. Soak in the sun. Use your words. Open your heart. Splash in the waves. Love your damn life. Express your emotions. Celebrate your damn self. You only get one life.

~female ambition club

I will not be responsible for anyones bad behavior. I see your raging rotting heart. Be an ass if you want. The way you treat people is a reflection of who you truly are. You can’t hide that. Not even behind closed doors.

I do not own the rights to this photo.

There is a key to finding life long friendships or relationships. For me, the person feels like home. What does that mean? Like I’ve known them forever. No matter when this person comes into your life, you automatically know they will be in it forever.
You have easily become one of my favorite people.

This is 48. No filter. No make up. Just me, first thing this morning. Messy hair and all. I started this tradition of taking a raw picture of myself every birthday a few years ago. This is the first one I have posted. It’s a way for me to see how much the year before has changed me. This past year has been…hard. I can see it in my eyes. As we get older there is a calm that settles in our souls that wasn’t present in our youth. You begin to care less of what others think of you and start the process of loving yourself more. You learn to let the wrong people go to make room for the right ones. You gain internal balance. Wisdom. With that said, I like to release what didn’t benefit me in the previous year. It’s time to release the past hurts and traumas. I want to open the doors to new experiences. To live free of restrictions. I open my heart to receiving love and giving it in return. I’m in complete alignment with my purpose and I am embracing the calm it brings. I feel like me for the first time in a long time.

Cheers to a successful trip around the sun.

Cinderella is still Cinderella, just in a prettier dress.

Hair twirling. I’ve done since…forever. It tends to be a self soothing technique. However, I also do it when I’m deep in thought or I have a major decision to make. I have noticed that I passed this habit on to my daughter. Bad habit? I can think of way worse.

If you don’t meet me and say to yourself, ‘yeah, I want to do some beautiful shit with this woman’, please just leave me where I’m at.

I do not own the rights to this illustration.

The feeling of standing on the platform waiting for the next train is gone. Mind the gap and take a seat. The journey begins now. We’re finding strengths we never knew we had. The panic that once resided in our stomachs is now calm. The page has finally turned.

I do not own the rights to this picture.

Living for the estimation of others is a trap. A cage of sorts. I have not been myself for the longest. Unable to see past my limitations. Even after the chains were lifted. Instead, I sank into the emotional quick sand enveloped in my struggles. But this morning I woke and felt a familiar calm. Smiling. In complete alignment.