No one prepares you for how hard it is to rewire your brain to accept amazing things after experiencing some of the worst.  To have to convince yourself that you are worth it because someone told you over and over again that you weren’t.  It wasn’t explained that insecurity would be lurking in the shadows waiting to steal your confidence and replace it with doubt.

Life will happen at our highest and our lowest points.  Good days don’t always have to look like lotto wins.  And bad days, well, it’s okay to sink into the bad days every now and again.  Allow yourself to feel what you need to feel but don’t let it consume you.  Always know you are worthy of great things happening to you.  For you.  You are worthy of the amazing blessings coming your way.  Today might be difficult, but tomorrow is a new beginning.

PSA: This is not my house. I took this photo on a back road somewhere coming back from East Texas circa 2006 or 2007. It seemed fitting for this blog post.

There was something about today.  I felt it when I woke up this morning.  I felt it on my drive in.  I felt it when I parked my car.  I felt when I logged on.  It was a mood.  An energy.  And while nothing spectacular occurred the mood remained.  

It doesn’t take long after my head hits the pillow for me to fall into a dream state. I just woke up startled by a dream. My only recollection is me in a lushly soft white bathrobe, a white towel wrapped around my wet hair, a very dimly lit room, and the lighting had a yellow hue to it. My towel touched what I assume is a light hanging from the ceiling. For some reason, the towels wrapped around my head was a couple feet tall. When the towel hit what was hanging, there were sparks. Two bright lights and the loudest electrical crack. It was loud enough to wake me up from a dead sleep.

And for a split second I thought it was a gunshot. I checked on my kids, they are both sound asleep. I haven’t been able to close my eyes. So I am laying here in bed listening to the wind.

Valentine’s Day has never been my favorite holiday. I don’t hate it, but I’ve never really had a reason to love it either. Flowers, candy and intimate romantic rendezvous. I do get to decorate with hearts and beautiful colors. Perhaps someone will come along and change my perspective on this day reserved for love.

You can’t skip chapters. That’s how life works. You have to live every experience, meet every character, read every line of that page. You won’t enjoy all of it, and that’s okay.

Hell, some chapters will break you for weeks, not make you stop crying for days. But you have to keep going, stories keep the world alive. So, live yours fully, and don’t forget that you have the power to write a better one.

~Unknown

When someone ghosts you, remember this. No response, is a response.

I believe in Fairytales and Soulmates and Love and in everything that is Magic.  I believe that growing old together is a privilege, not a life sentence.  I’m a three page hand written love letter in a world of relationship status updates.  At forty eight, fairytales look more like a man who makes me laugh.  Who isn’t afraid to be silly with me.  Who doesn’t blink when I suggest we take a weekend drive to anywhere with nothing but a change of clothes, a camera and the dogs.  A man who sees my abandonment issues and loves me through them.  A man who has his own interests and allows me to have mine.  I want to build a life with someone.  Grow old together.  A partner in crime.  To be able to trust someone with my heart.  Someone to keep me grounded.  I’m content being alone but it would be nice to share this life experience with someone.

I have been on a soul search journey for the past 10yrs. My very own eat, pray, FML adventure so to speak. I’m a firm believer that when things are going right in my life, I am fully aligned with my purpose. When they are not, then I have derailed from my path. I stopped asking what next and started talking to the Universe and God out loud. Trusting my own intuition. Reading other peoples energy. I stopped focusing on what all those around me thought and focused solely on what I thought of me. Being honest with ourselves about who we are is imperative to finding our purpose.
Easy? No. Through the years I have experienced successes, downfalls, losses, and wins. I have created happy memories and faced grief head on. I have witnessed tragedy beyond belief. Made mistakes and I have owned up to every single one. Life isn’t always easy. I have learned to give myself permission to feel what I need to feel in the moment. I have been honest with my children. Hopefully, by doing so I have provided them with the tools to make the best decisions in their future. I have offered up conversations instead of dishing out ultimatums. To stop wishing away the season of life we are in just to move on to the next. Accept that perfection doesn’t exist. And the key to everything, find happiness with yourself. Because if you can be content alone, then you’re ready to be content with someone else.

With Chinese New Year well underway, let’s celebrate in the Year of the Snake. A year of rebirth and fresh starts.

If you know me, you know my secret love is winter. That chill in the air. The sweaters, coats, gloves, scarves and hats. I set my alarm just to catch a glimpse of the magic that is snowflakes. Winter comes and goes in the blink of an eye. I’m going to enjoy this while it’s here.

Do not allow words to escape your lips if you aren’t ready for emotions to fly. Especially when it comes to love. Tell them what you feel and say it with conviction.

This photo represents the chaos that is my life. A beautiful mess. A masterpiece of vibrant colors and elegant electricity. It reminds me that no matter how chaotic it appears I am fully in tune with what I want from life. I am in control of my future. And what I see is nothing short of spectacular.

I started playing with my camera while letting certain lights in. This photo captures my energy. An energy I tried to dull over the years. I thought I wanted to get back to a past version of myself. Odd that you have to learn you will never be who you were. Rather you carry fragments of yourself past, present and future. A balance of light and dark. As a mother you lose sight of your wants, dreams, goals and desires. You focus on your children. As your children find their own vision you’re left feeling lost. I am lost no more. 10+ years of walking a healing path. A journey of mending generational trauma. Listening without speaking. Releasing emotional baggage that was weighing me down. Ignoring the judgement of others and verbalizing my truth. To stop searching for remnants of who I was and start loving who I am. New Year’s Eve I made one resolution… To walk into the new year lighter by leaving the past in the past. It is written.

Christmas 2024 is gone in a flash. All the decorations will come down, things will go back to bland and I will begin to count the days to the next holiday. I have left my Christmas tree and lights up in an attempt to hold on to the magic a little longer.

I like the way fire dances with the wind. As if they are lovers playfully teasing one another. Listening to the soothing sounds it makes as it burns the logs to ash. The way it glows against a night sky. Even the stars can’t compete. The vibrant orange, yellow and red. Painted with feathers of blue or green or lavender. It’s dangerously tempting to touch. It can be shy yet willful. Contained and untamed at the same time. What I love most is the way it warms, turning my cheeks rosy on a cold Texas night. As I sit on the side lines watching the flames dance with the wind.

Being overly independent is a defensive strategy for constantly being let down by people. Because when you are consistently let down you develop hyper independence to protect yourself from getting hurt again. It works. All too well. Without even realizing it you have isolated yourself. People start to see you as the person who can do it all, so why would you need anyone else. It teaches you if you don’t depend on anyone then they can’t do you wrong. The only way you feel safe or comfortable is by making sure no one has any control over your life or your feelings. When you are hyper independent you focus more on loving yourself. Loving yourself is the foundation for unbreakable bonds and everlasting relationships. You break from the norms, the social labels, the expectations of others. You believe in yourself more because you’ve accomplished what everyone told you you never would. It’s not that you don’t interact in social settings, you do. It’s that you don’t need the things you thought you would to make you happy. No, you’ve learned to only take the things that truly mean something. Surrounding yourself with the people who truly love and support you. Quality over quantity.
At some point this year, I jumped timelines. I let go. I can’t change what was, I can only be my genuine, goofy, passionate, fiercely loving self. I’m tired of hiding her or dulling her down for others. It’s funny, as I’m writing this I’m thinking about how my children are the only ones who see me with zero guards up. 100% authentic. Why? Because it’s pure love. Now, imagine I opened that side of myself to the rest of the world. What if I stop thinking about the damage someone could do and start thinking of the possible joy someone could introduce to my life? Believe it exists and it will be.

The goal isn’t a big house or keeping up with the Jones. Possessions are just things. I don’t care what everyone else has. It’s not a competition. It’s my heart and soul filled with experiences and memories with the ones I love. A mind filled with adventures to tell future generations. The way my soul feels calm when I talk to him. Family dinners and game nights. Hugs and kisses and cuddles. The simplicity of being wrapped in his arms as we dance under the stars when no one is watching. A smile. A laugh. Surrounding myself with people who add value to my life. Who challenge me to be greater than I was yesterday. The people who sprinkle magic into my world, the same way I do to theirs. We are meant to share this life. When I daydream about the future I don’t picture myself growing old alone. And after those enchiladas I made last night, someone better wife me up quick. (Laughing). In a world of easy access I’m a traditionalist when it comes to love. Relationships aren’t difficult. It’s people’s expectations that make the magic disappear. No, when I daydream I don’t see myself alone. I see myself surrounded by the amazing people in my life. Enjoying the sun rise and sets. Happy. Loved. And loving those who mean the most to me.

A lot goes wrong before everything goes right. ~The Universe

I’m looking at life differently these days. It’s a flow. A movement. There is no rush or sense of urgency. It’s a dance. C I’m living on my terms. Calm. Peaceful. Respectfully. I let my intuition guide me. Allowing people who match my energy in and others I’m letting go. Putting my phone down more and lifting my head to look people in the eyes as we loose ourselves in conversation. I crave those into the night talks filled with laughter. Solving the world’s problems at the dinner table. Being in nature. Boardgames and puzzles. Making plans for the future. Dancing to vinyl. Human connection. Reading books. And sometimes just silence. This quote was a heavy hitter for me because a lot has happened. I can’t wade in sorrows forever. Life is shifting. And it feels so good.

I know I’m an independent woman, but I appreciate being treated with softness so much, because in every part of my life, I always have to show up strong.

I say things without thinking. Or only thinking of myself without realization of how it comes across to others. For example, I recently made the comment ‘there is nothing for me here.’ Referring to the dead end of professional progression I am currently cornered into. This comment was said to someone I care a great deal for. And it didn’t mean that he was nothing. He is more than something. In all honesty, he’s the only reason I’m still there. You know how you just connect with another person like you’ve known them your entire life. He is one of a handful of people I feel that way about. I don’t think he understands that he’s a part of my circle now. No matter where I go or he goes he’s going to be part of my life. End of story.

I will have it all. The love, the loyalty, the happiness. The relationship. The financial stability. I’m not afraid to stand alone because I know my own strength. I’m selective with my energy and who I let into my life. I’ve seen the fake friendships, the drama, and the gossip and I’ve walked away from all of it. I have built a life that’s peaceful and drama free. And I’m happier for it. I do not need to be surrounded by people to feel complete. I am comfortable in my own company. My time is precious. I am a woman who knows what she wants and I won’t settle for anything less. So, if you meet a woman with no friends or a very small circle don’t underestimate her. She’s secure, confident and knows her worth. She’s a woman who doesn’t need validation from others because she’s already validated herself. I will have all of this and more because it’s what I bring to the table. I am ready to share that with someone who shares the same values as me.

My energy is unique, like a radio frequency. If I choose to share it with you, you mean something to me.
Waking up in September is a whole different vibe. It’s the beginning of my favorite time of year. And time for new experiences,

Today was a day to be present. I sat by the riverside watching my children cast lines in hopes of being the first to catch a fish. (We’re very competitive). In silence I sat, watching them and thinking to myself how much I love being their mom. How much I love them. How they taught me what love truly is. As one thought led to another, that love slowly turned into fear. It lead me down this anxiety filled rabbit hole. This isn’t easy for me to admit. I haven’t been afraid of much in my life. I jumped off the top of my swing set and broke my leg at 5yrs old. I flew to another state less than a week after 9-11. Hell, I went to a foreign country by myself. The amount of fear I have been feeling lately is new to me. Fear is the thief of so many things. It will steal your joy, your future, your present…. It will hold you back in ways you never thought possible. In living, in taking chances, in success, in love. I haven’t been able to be my authentic self due to this burden of fear I’ve been carrying with me. It is robbing me of my present. And I have to find a way to balance it.
I don’t want fear to take over my life. I want to live in joy.

I envision a cozy life. A life where I get to watch my children grow to be thriving adults. To see my grandchildren born and hopefully grow to be young adults. A relationship with a man who wont abandon me and sees me as my true self. Someone who truly gets me. Books stacked by an oversized chair on my back porch. On a parcel of land that has a river or creek running through it. I want to lay on the ground while the wind blows through the tall trees. Or cuddle in bed during a thunderstorm. The celebrations of holidays, birthdays, or just a dinner party with friends and family. Creating art. Adopting all the animals that need a home. Cooking. I want simple, clean, honest living. I’m not impressed by how much you spend on me. It’s how you love me that matters. I see this magical life I will lead. Sound too good to be true? Not at all. I’m writing my story.

I do not own the rights to this photo.

Someone once told me I could walk into a room naked and no one would notice. Words that resonate with you for life. I was brought up in a way that placed self doubt in my mind. Provided body insecurities instead of confidence. Every now and again I catch a glimpse of myself and fail to recognize the person staring back. I don’t feel the way that reflection looks. But it’s there. Staring back at me.
Or when a man comments on a woman’s body, I shut down. If he thinks of her that way then what does he think of me. And what made him so comfortable with telling me this?
I’ve been really hard on myself lately. But I’m also dealing with a lot of stress recently. My body isn’t budging. I’ve been stuck at the weight I am for a while now. The advice I get from men, starve yourself and do lots of cardio. Horrible advice to give. What frightens me is there is some other woman out there that will be desperate enough to take that advice. It’s harmful to speak to a woman like that. It’s hurtful when it comes from someone you thought cared about you.
I know I need to make changes. I’m overwhelmed with all need to find a way to relax. To control my cortisol levels. I feel as though I won’t ever reach my goal. But I know I have to. I’m all Rory and Grady have left.

Being a maverick is not new to me. Authenticity comes as natural to me as the ginger locks on my head. Genuinely giving with the intention of making someone smile. In tune with the universe at the price of peace. Today my soul feels heavy. I can feel the conversation behind closed doors. The name calling and childish behavior from someone with an arrogance that screams I’m superior. All the while their inferiority complex shines brighter than the sun. So, why am I doubting? Why am I stressing? Why am I worrying? Why do I care what is going on behind my back? The answer…I don’t. I am letting go of everyone else’s narrative of me.